One of Communication’s Biggest Enemies

No lofty introduction here. I believe fear is one of communication’s biggest enemies. There are many really thoughtful, engaging and well-researched pieces about communication, and what we can each do to improve it. This isn’t exactly one of them. These are just a few thoughts on how fear impacts communication.

Honestly, I think we rarely talk about fear. And when I say “we” I really mean myself. I’ve been asked more often than usual in the past few weeks about my thoughts on solid communication. I’ve named a few things, but I haven’t mentioned fear. I haven’t because I value data and research, and in this case, my thoughts are more intuitive than clearly evidence-based.

But, in the spirit of fearlessness, I’ll share, with the ONE, BIG IMPORTANT CAVEAT that this is all my opinion.

I’m “pro-communication” if there’s such a thing. To this day, if you ask my mother, she’ll tell you that I gave her a play-by-play of pre-school, daily. No stone of detail was left unturned. I even like listening to minuscule details about my friends and family’s experiences. Sometimes, when I’m telling a story, I will include pictures, if I think it adds necessary context to the story. We’re talking jpegs and handwritten diagrams. I watch and listen to interviews, for fun. I love hearing people’s stories and storytelling in general. It’s no surprise that communications is my daily hustle. I love thinking about it, doing it, talking about it and researching it.

But, if I’m honest — I can fall short. Oh, yes. Even me. It can be intensely frustrating to fall short in an area where you are deeply interested and invested. It is also a bit embarassing.

So, I’ve thought and thought. Why? Why do people who are extremely capable of strong communication fall short in communication?

And I keep coming back to fear.

Here’s why: we tend to shy away from things if we anticipate that the outcome will be bad.

1. We avoid scary things — and sometimes fall in the process.

Let’s say you’re walking to work, and you’re about the cross the street. This is a really busy intersection. If you don’t cross now, you will have to wait awhile for the light to change. You have the right of way, but when you turn to the left, you see an oncoming car. You feel like the car is moving fast, so you change your forward step to a back step…and you misstep. You’ve cleared the car, but fallen on your behind, safely on the sidewalk. The light changes and oncoming traffic proceeds. Are you a poor walker because you fell? Not so much. You feared a collision, quickly changed your course and fell in the process.

I think otherwise strong communicators can fall in the same way. You anticipate something scary, and you begin to stumble. You’re less clear and effective. You know what you want to say, or share, but you anticipate an undesirable event and make a misstep as you try to avoid the collision. You stay safe, but make a mess in the process. You’re also no closer to your goal.

2. Filter out fear to communicate effectively.

I’m not advocating for people to walk into oncoming traffic.

I am proposing that we all try to filter out fear. I know — easier said than done.

Go with me here. I think fear is tied to confidence. We feel fear when we don’t feel confident about experiencing what we desire (i.e. safety, comfort, happiness, enjoyment). Let’s call anything that comes between where we are and what we desire, a threat. If our confidence is greater than the perceived threat, we proceed. If not, we don’t. So, in our fictitious street crossing example the oncoming car is a threat. I believe fear has a funny way of exacerbating threats.

That fast-moving car, in our example, may have actually been parked. In our haste to protect ourselves we perceived a threat out of something benign.

So, before changing your course in communication, it is really important to understand if a threat is real, or imagined. If you weren’t thinking about protecting yourself, and you were only thinking about getting the most effective result — what would you do? How would you write? What would you say? Who would you say it to? When would you say it?

Fear is not the only enemy of strong communication. There are plenty more. I think we are all more capable of strong communication when fear is filtered out. Otherwise, fear gets a stronger voice than all of the wonderful things we desire to share. And that won’t do.