3 different stories about people asking about, or touching, my hair at work And why performance-based “rewards” are more welcome
Oh, hey!
I’m brimming with content, but have been increasingly apprehensive about writing — because of balance and 9–5, and professionalism. BUT this is where I land: if this helps someone, it is worthwhile. So, let’s get into this.
The first time someone touched my hair at work was maybe five years ago.
I had my hair slicked back in the front with a puff at the top. A co-worker reached in faster than I could react and said, “I just had to touch it, it looks so soft.” I froze. She had seniority, had likely never touched hair like mine before, and we weren’t close, but we had a good working relationship. I didn’t think any of that equated to, “you are free to touch my hair whenever.” Clearly, we were not on the same page.
Despite actually being uncomfortable, I had, what I can only imagine to be, a conscious knowing that I could not react in a way that made her feel uncomfortable. If I did, I was educated to believe that asserting my desire to keep my hair a hands-free zone would seem hostile or unfriendly. I felt like my physical space was violated, but I took it in stride, and never said anything to her about it — because I didn’t want to make her feel badly.
2. Cut to a couple years later, my manager at the time came to my desk and said, “Wow, your hair looks so cool.” I smiled and said thank you. Then with a smirk, she leaned in and every so slightly said, “But that’s not all your real hair, right?”
If we were peers it would be a bit different, there would be less risk with the response. Also, there’s that discomfort thing, again. Despite the fact that I felt uncomfortable about her inquiring about something on my body, I had to actively think about how comfortable my response made her. So, I really started to ask myself: What am I doing to make her feel comfortable asking me this question?
When I connected with women who had similar experiences, I had so much love, but also found critiques from people who quickly shared what they would’ve done, and how I should’ve handled it. “Why didn’t you just say or do…?”
3. A couple years later, a little older and a little wiser, armed with more outside opinions, I’m standing with two co-workers both with greater positional power in our workplace, and one of them compliments my hairstyle. I say thank you and think we’re in the clear. Nice compliment, and no attempts to touch it. Then, with the intensity and speed of the hand of the hair-toucher a few years before, the other person says, “Yes, because she can do that.”
Do what, sis?
It didn’t take me long to find out.
In the next five minutes, she shared her past experience working with black women who have worn hair extensions, she also asked if I’d ever worn my natural hair at work (because she had, “Never seen it.”). She also wanted to know how long my “real” hair was. The inference here doesn’t require high logical aptitude — so I’ll save us all the analysis.
I’m not writing to tell anyone how to respond to the physical or verbal intrusion. But, I had to write about this, because it happens all the time. It has happened to just about every black woman that I know, at work in its own way. And when it first happened to me, I wasn’t ready. For whatever reason — youth, naivete, socialization, empathy, niceness, survival — I was trying to unpack if my feelings about my experiences were valid, “overreacting” or even “underreacting”. People didn’t really mean to be offensive or intrusive so I should just let it go, right? Chalk it up to a lack of knowledge and let it go. Or, maybe, as some had proposed, they really did know exactly how uncomfortable their questions made me, and they were intentionally treating me like an animal at a petting zoo and I needed to “do something!”
The truth is: People don’t have to touch you to appreciate how amazing you look. They also don’t need to know how it was done to appreciate how amazing it is. So, the safest and most appropriate way to appreciate a hairstyle at work is to think, “Her hair looks great.” What many of us really want is positive, visible and meaningful attribution, and rewards, for the work that we do. In an American context, research shows — as leaders, black women, are evaluated more harshly than white men, white women and black men,and their ideas and contributions are less likely to be attributed to them. So, I cannot speak for all, but I will say many of us will gladly take one less hair inquiry or “compliment” in exchange for one “listen” to an idea or contribution.