Workplace Communication Reflection for Managers: Are you seeking genuine feedback or validation?
Have you ever had a moment when someone asks you what you think at work, and you realize that they didn’t actually want to know what you thought?
I’m somewhat convinced that when this happens, the person who’s asking isn’t consciously asking a misleading question — they are looking for someone to validate their ideas.
There is a lot of content on effective leadership, and I think many of us have been hyper-exposed to the concept of leadership, in a way that the generations preceding us didn’t. Leadership is a thing, in and of itself. I’ve noticed more and more that aspiring leaders model themselves earlier and earlier after another person’s leadership style or persona. They model their strategy, fashion, even speaking and written communication after their idol leader. Their leadership image, or persona, is almost more important than what they are leading people to, or why they are doing it.
We all have blind spots, it’s natural; but sometimes I think our desire to be seen as “leaders”, or positioned as “bosses” overshadows the desire to really hone in on the basic parts of leadership — like sound people management.
I think there’s a palpable tension that happens when you make a transition from dynamic individual contributor to manager, or executive. It isn’t easy. If you do phenomenal work as an individual contributor, it doesn’t automatically make you a strong leader or people manager. However, when ambition meets a gap in competence in people management — most of the time ambition wins.
Many people who would gladly take a promotion and elevation, without people management, if they knew they could garner the same power, importance, and influence. For some, people management is like a necessary part of their ambition to rise — so they take it on, kind of.
To be honest, like most things, it is not easy to be a good manager of people. It is easier to criticize the things that you don’t like about your manager, than to actually be a good manager. I think as much as less than stellar managers are railed for their shortcomings, they are probably more aware of their flaws than we think. When you don’t feel strongly about your competence professionally, many of us can fall into the trap of seeking validation instead of genuine feedback. I’ve seen it break trust between managers and their teams — because the moment some answers a question honestly, and they are punished for it, you will likely never get their honest perspective, again. The next time you ask for, and need, their genuine feedback you will get strained and protected agreement to avoid conflict.
In widget-less workplaces, ideas really matter. Ideas are like a form of workplace currency. The same way your dollar is backed by the U.S. Federal Reserve, ideas are waiting for the right stamp of approval to make them valuable. Most people don’t boldly ask for approval, they find other ways to get it. Whether it is shameless people pleasing, or using employees as
“sounding boards” for ideas, but only agreeing with them when they agree with you.
As a manager, it is incredibly important to clarify your intent before you seek insight from your team. Before you ask someone the question, “What do you think?” ask yourself these 8 questions:
Why am I asking the question?
Am I asking for feedback on content or format?
Have I made it clear what the goal of this ‘thing” is?
If they said they didn’t like it, how would I feel?
How important is it to me for this to be liked?
How do I typically respond when someone shares edits to my work?
Am I more concerned about feeling good about my work, or producing quality work?
If I realize that I won’t actually change anything based on the person's feedback, is there another question or prompt that I can use?
The last thing that you want is for a talented member of your team to hold back solid feedback because they can’t trust you to say, or ask, what you really mean. Relationships outside of the workplace with loved ones, mentors, and trusted professionals and finding time to level-up on skills, can get you on the true path to confidence, that cannot be achieved by asking someone who doesn’t have the same power dynamic or privilege that you do for validation.